Bad Friend

Bad Friend

Bad Friend

The Bustin Brothers

The Bustin Brothers made their way through the crowd to the front, where a man was preaching loudly. He was saying the end of the world was nigh, and that everybody needed to repent for their sins or be left behind.

"I don't know Billy," Harry Bustin told his brother. "The stuff this guy is saying is pretty crazy. I don't think I believe him."

"I agree with you, Harry," Billy responded. "I think this guy is off his rocker. I can't believe these people are actually standing here and listening to this guy!"

"But, Billy, we're standing here listening to this guy," Harry said with a sheepish grin.

"Good one, Harry," Billy laughed.

Billy and Harry Bustin walked across the street to the bank to deposit their checks from their jobs at the oatmeal plant. The minute they walked in, they knew something was awry.

"You!" cried a voice. "Get on the floor!"

Robbers had held the bank up and all of the customers were huddled in a corner while the robbers took money from the vault.

"Do what he says!" cried a woman. "He's crazy and he'll kill all of us!"

"You thinking what I'm thinking, Harry?" Billy said.

"You know it. Let's get to it. Hiyah!"

The Bustin Brothers did flips in opposite directions and started engaging the robbers in hand to hand combat. Pretty soon they had stolen the guns from the robbers and tied them up. The people cheered the hero Bustin Brothers.

"All in a day's work," said Harry to the crowd.

"He's lying," Billy explained. "We actually work at the oatmeal factory and take karate lessons from our dad on weekends and some weeknights."

After splattering the brains of the bank customers on the walls by shooting them each execution style, the Bustin Brothers took the money and left. They walked out into the light and saw the crowd still gathered across the street.

"That guy is still preaching," Billy said.

"Yeah?" Harry said.

THE END

Erection Eliminators

Erection Eliminators Episode 1: Erection Eliminators Take Action

It's a tough job out here, but our services are of vital importance to the city. If everybody could just walk around with erections, our society would spin out of control. All this conspicuous arousal is poisonous to a functional community.

There! That guy has an erection. Move in, team!

*Wrestle wrestle wrestle*

Wait! His erection is growing!

"What'll we do, chief?"

Grab that erection! Grab it!

*Wrestle wrestle wrestle*

"Fucking cops! Unnhh....uunnnnnhhh."

"Chief, it's still getting bigger!"

Keep grabbing it! Keep rubbing it! There, that oughta do it.

The man's erection went away after our team did its job. Some people question our methods, but then, some people aren't one of the Erection Eliminators.

Imaginary Art Gallery Vol. 1

Painting #1

It's on canvas, and the painter used acrylics. It's a child playing in a garden and holding a little spade. There are a few flowers and some vegetables growing in the garden. The sky is blue. The painting is really good.

Drawing #1 and #2

This one is really small and in a frame. Wait, actually it's two drawings next to each other that are the same size, like a series. These are in pencil, and the first one is of an old wooden church. It's the type of church you'd picture people in a small rural town going to in the 1800s. The next drawing is of a group of people who are probably the churchgoers. These drawings don't really say anything.

Sculpture #1

This sculpture is made of plaster or something. It's just a big block, but there are sections missing from the block. It's like modern art. In some areas you can see all the way through the block to the other side. This might be trying to make a point about human connection and the influence art has on people's relationships with their surroundings.

Painting #2

This painting is huge. It's oil on canvas and it's just gigantic, taking up a huge portion of the wall and it's up high so it leers over you. It's a painting of some British soldiers. One of them has a bayonet and he's stabbing a soldier wearing blue (not sure which country the other guys are from). There is a big tree in the background and some hills are in the distance.

Sculpture #2

This sculpture looks like it was made out of clay and it's really small, like you could hold it in your hand. It's a few little African American children playing baseball. It's lovely and it feels sort of timeless.

How to Write a Play

The nature of showbusiness is such that plays are readily adapted into films in a manner that maintains the integrity of the original but also has the appeal of a Hollywood picture. It is with this in mind that I present to you the playwriting process, unabridged and without error. I hope this guide will help developing playwrites to hone their craft and usher in a golden age of playwriting and filmmaking. Go forth; heed my lessons and all will be well.

-Teddy Bosco


GUIDE TO PLAYWRITING BY TEDDY BOSCO
BY TEDDY BOSCO
edited by Teddy Bosco

Chapter 1
Getting Ideas for Plays

First you have to come up with an idea for a play. Come up with something that nobody has ever thought of before like a child who falls in love with a stuffed animal and ends up having sex with his sister and his mom. You could think of other ones like a blind guy who is sexually abused by a male gypsy king. Other ideas might include a guy who keeps horses in his house and forces his retarded stepchild to have sex with the horses, or an elderly widow who discovers four dead kittens in her bed because the crazy neighbor snuck in and stabbed them in the eyes with dried sticks of his own feces. Another possible plot could be this girl falls down a well and the well has pirhanas in it that her evil twin put in to kill her, and when the girl falls in she has her first period, and a shark in the well smells the blood and kills the girl. One more idea could be this guy who rapes and kills a bunch of his friends' grandmothers and then puts the corpses in bed with his friends while they're sleeping. Hopefully some of these ideas are getting your creative juices flowing so you can imagine some ideas of your own that are equally good.

BRAYSTON MARROW EPISODE 2

BRAYSTON MARROW: SPACE DETECTIVE

EPISODE 2: MRS. BUTSON'S KITTY CAT GETS CAUGHT UP IN A SPACE TREE

Ppsssssssshhhheeewwww!! Brayston Marrow's spaceship flew through space like a rock skipping across pristine water, but the water for the spaceship was asteroids.

"These asteroids are bonking my spaceship all over tarnation!" Brayston hollered above the din. "We gotta get through these asteroids if we're going to make it to this emergency call from the Butson residence!"

They got there but the ship got damaged pretty badly by the asteroids. There were dents all over it.

"And I just made the last payment on this baby!"

They got to the Butson estate, and when they got there Mrs. Butson came running out a hootin' and a hollerin'.

"Mah kitty cat! Mah kitty cat! Mah kitty cat done run up that tree Mister Barrow!"

"Now settle down Mrs. Butson, which tree is it now?"

Mrs. Butson pointed at a space tree that was in her front yard. It's a tree that goes all the way up into space.

"Oh, come on now, Mrs. Butson. Your kitty cat went up into space? Now I have to go all the way up there and get the cat down?"

"Mah kitty cat! You got to get mah kitty down from that tree up into the magic sky!"

"Oh, Christ."

Brayston put on his spacesuit, which was a little too tight, because he was getting fatter, and started climbing up the space tree.

"You go get that kitty Mister Rarrow!"

Brayston climbed and climbed and climbed. Pretty soon he was looking down on the planet below (Remicone 4) from space. He peered around the space branches for the cat, but he didn't see anything.

"Where are you, cat? Where are you kitty kitty kitty kitty?" Brayston said.

"Mew!"

Brayston snapped his head to the left. There was the cat, leering at him with a knowing grin.

"Purrrrrr, Brayston, you can't return me to that planet. We both know this. I have a mission that cannot be meddled with."

"I know, Beltror, but I had to appease your owner and make it look like I was trying to get you down. She'll be heartbroken, you know that Beltror."

"Purrrrrr, yes Brayston, but all for a worthy cause. If the universe is to retain its balance, the dark one must be stopped. I am a link in the chain to his defeat."

"Go forth, Beltror. I will tell Mrs. Butson that you won't come down, but that someday...someday you might."

"Purrrrrr, farewell Brayston Marrow. You will see me again as things fall into place."

"Yes. Soon the blackness will be pierced with a blinding light, and the universe will be free once again."

Brayston climbed back down the space tree.

"Mah kitty cat! Where's mah kitty cat!"

Brayston frowned.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Butson, but he's stuck right up there. But, you know, it looked like he might want to come back down soon. He'll be down soon enough."

Brayston and Mrs. Butson had a TV dinner and watched a game show. Then Brayston got back in his ship and flew back to his hideout.

THE END

BRAYSTON MARROW EPISODE 1

BRAYSTON MARROW: SPACE DETECTIVE

EPISODE ONE: THE CASE OF THE SPACE JEWELS

So Brayston is in his secret hideout, which he has even though he isn't a superhero and he's a detective solving crimes so nobody really is going to care if he's in a secret hideout. There's a chair in the hideout and he's sitting in it and thinking about his newest case where some jewels were stolen, but they weren't just normal jewels, they were actually jewels taken from a tree in space that is littered with all these really precious jewels, but the jewel tree is actually the property of a nearby planet called Orsigan, so you can't just take jewels from it if you're not the government on the planet. It's illegal and they hired Brayston Marrow to solve the crime of who took the jewels.

"Henrietta, get me a shot of whiskey. Boy, if I'm not just in a tizzy over this new case. These jewels are worth so much money that if we don't find it, that's at least seven hundred thousand splotchkils gone from the jewel tree."

Henrietta goes and gets the shot of whiskey and gives it to Brayston.

"Oh boy, that's the stuff alright. Rrrrrrrgh!"

Henrietta is Brayston's assistant, but one time Brayston slept with her and cheated on his wife. They got divorced but Brayston doesn't have sex with Henrietta any more because things were getting really weird around the office since there are no other employees.

So Brayston is just really upset about the case, because he only has one lead and the person he needs to talk to works at a cake shop, and Brayston has a real weakness for a good cake from the cake shop.

"Ohh, oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. I've tried to lose weight, but if I go to that cake shop to talk to this person who might know something about the jewel tree heist, I'm going to have to eat some of those cakes."

Henrietta said: "Brayston, it's okay if you have some cakes."

"I guess you're right."

Later at the cake shop Brayston played tough cop with the guy. He hit him in the face with a nightstick and made him give him some cakes for free. The guy was really hurt badly and his nose got broken, and he ended up telling Brayston where the guy was who stole the jewels.

"Thanks, punk. Now I'm going to go enjoy some of these free cakes on the spaceship over to the other guy's hideout."

On the spaceship Brayston ate the cakes. One was a vanilla cake that had some white frosting on it and some sprinkles. Another cake was a fudge cake and it had chocolate all around the edge of it and chocolate sprinkles. Brayston thought it might be too much chocolate for him to eat, but he ended up finishing the whole cake before they got to the next guy's hideout to question him.

Then they got there and saw the guy who stole the jewels. He was wearing a sparkly cape and a mask that looked like the Phantom of the Opera mask.

"Alright, buddy. Hand over the jewels. The cake man spilled the beans, or should I say, the cake man spilled the batter."

"You can't charge me with this crime," the caped villain proclaimed. "Do you know who I am? I am Explosor. You think a little detective in a funny hat is going to stop me? I have powers beyond your understanding, Brayston Marrow."

"Maybe beyond my understanding, Explosor, but not beyond the distance I can throw an object."

Brayston threw a cake at Explosor that he had hidden inside his coat. It was a cake that had a lot of sprinkles on it, and the sprinkles flew into Explosor's eyes.

"My eyes! Brayston Marrow you haven't seen the last of me. You can take two jewels from my bunch, but the rest I keep. If you can catch me again, you can get more of the jewels."

Explosor flew away and Brayston said: "I wonder if I should give these jewels to the government on that planet or if I should keep the jewels for myself and say I couldn't catch him?"

The next thing you know, Brayston is driving in a really nice spaceship.

"I guess cakes can give you more than just a good birthday."

THE END